“The eyes are the windows to your soul.” – William Shakespeare
They’re also the doors. When we walk inside, we enter another’s house. We gain access to their rooms, the closets, the places where they cleanse, purify. And depending on how comfortable the host becomes with us, these rooms will be unlocked so we can walk seamlessly. Open access to another’s inner world is developed through trust. At the highest trust level, we’re given a key to enter and leave as we please.
Eye contact is an experience we have daily but likely not consciously. And in places like New York, often we can recognize that it’s sometimes shunned or avoided altogether. For a species so visually oriented, why is it so difficult to make and maintain proper eye contact with strangers?
This is because making contact with another’s eyes an intimate experience. “Intimate” is a sister word of “intimation,” which is an act of indirectly knowing something, a hint. So being intimate doesn’t have to relate to romantic connection, but it is an understated, silent, intuitive connection with another person or being (we also make eye contact with animals).
When we look into another’s eyes, we establish a subtle connection that brings us closer to the other person. Couple that with romantic, sexual or bonding feelings and we can see why just 30 seconds of looking into someone’s eyes can produce intense responses like:
Pupil Dilation. Our pupils respond when we enjoy who or what we see. The eyes in this state subtly become more attractive.
Mutual Gazing. Looking into the eyes can transform into gazing, which involves the facial features and emotions to produce a doting look, also enhancing appeal.
Attunement. Physically and energetically, we resonate with other person. This raises our attention levels (we want to know more about the person). We begin matching their body language (mirroring). The desire to close distance increases (we find ways to touch).
Fear. Fear of the unknown, the unexpected. Personal walls come down so there is a sense of vulnerability, that this person “sees me” and there is no turning back, no shield to protect. By lowering the walls we are more susceptible to influence and be influenced. Guarding is forced to dissolve.
Why is something so basic so difficult to do?
Since we’ve developed a value system that warrants conflict avoidance, fewer people are able to handle this kind of connection without freaking out. Working through difficulty, embracing uncomfortable experiences is a resilience trait that positive psychology aims to shed more light on in modern times, but this is just as much an ancient value as it is a present-day exclusive. For any kind of consciousness advancement, having a resilient will is a prerequisite. Growth is uncomfortable by design, since the experience puts us in a mental-emotional space we don’t initially recognize. Re-integration then becomes necessary: how do we take the mindset leap just experienced and apply it in daily life?
For example, you may realize (gain real eyes) how you’ve been standing in your own way of accomplishing goals. Self-sabotage. It happens.
Such a realization can hurt as you emotionally digest past experiences, seeing where you were responsible while blaming someone else. Ultimately, it was your own doing that created your undoing. Pain hits you like a cracked whip all over your body. The heart chakra fluctuates and you can feel it directly in the chest. You feel like your long-term lover just broke up with you.
Depending on your resilience level and awareness, this realization will propel you into darker moods or forge a wiser consciousness. Which pair of eyes you choose to see with will determine what manifests.
In the case of eye contact, we can choose to see it as an opportunity to disconnect, keep a safe distance by avoiding, or we can choose to strengthen our relationships by opening our doors.
Eye Contact for Family & Friends
It should go without saying that deeper connections with friends and family can create more fulfilling relationships. If we’re not employing eye contact though, there’s still room for more. This means looking into your friends’ and family’s eyes when speaking to them and also when they’re talking. Truly giving your attention. If you’ve been having issues with a friend or relative, syncing the eyes over time may help heal wounds while you talk. You’re showing you’re truly present and one of the most precious gifts we can offer another is time we can’t take back.
Eye Contact for Professionalism
Confident eye contact can enhance impressions in professional spaces, whether it’s the first or fourteenth. This means looking in the eyes when shaking hands. Looking up and about a room at an event. Not focusing attention on a smart phone when in a room full of people. Selecting people to look at in the audience when you give a presentation. Confidently engaging your team as a leader by looking into their eyes. You will also find customers and clients more responsive by establishing this connection.
Eye Contact for Romance
Ah, so important for romantic relationships. As I’ve mentioned in previous writing, we quickly create vibratory chaos when we start treating our partners as if they are the same as us. As much as we want to enforce the meaning of equality as “exactly the same,” the masculine and feminine energies are different and work in harmony together. The needs may be the same but how each receives those needs differ. Conscious men and women understand and embrace this. A man who treats his romantic lady like a man only dissolves any chemistry they might have. The same occurs for a woman who engages her man as if he was another woman.
For conscious gentlemen, recognize that she has a deep desire for attention, for receptivity, for fire and appreciation. When she’s loyal, she wants this only from you. Her energy is strongly intuitive, open and flowing. Her path to freedom exists within free-flow expression; the poison to her freedom is enforced control. The more she feels loved by the man she loves, the more open she becomes to him, and she demonstrates a devotion he likely will not experience anywhere else.
This is why for your romantic partner, engaging her eyes is essential. When you speak with her, set your distractions down and offer your full attention. Take the extra time to position yourself in a way that she sees you; she wants to see you. Look into her eyes not because you feel you’re supposed to; do it because you want to connect with her body and soul quality. She will feel your intent and consequently will feel safe enough to open up to you.
I happened to see the total opposite of this while on the train one morning. The couple sat in front of me and the woman was particularly talkative; she seemed like the type who enjoyed connecting verbally. Meanwhile, the guy on her right was focused in his cell phone. For her 20+ words, he replied with about 4, eyes glued to the device looking down. Does this conduct speak connection to you?
Eye Gazing as a Class?
Tantric practices involve creating intimacy in the smallest experiences: with food, washing, nature, self-care and other people. It’s about experiencing the divine in everything and inside, using the body as a vehicle for this ecstatic energy. Eye gazing is one practice two people can apply to forge deeper connection. There are also classes you can attend for this. Do your research.
I suggest also investing time in designing your own eye gazing sessions. Create a space for it. Dress it up with color, symbols, music and essential oil aromas to fuel your consciousness.
Either in the morning or the evening before sleep, select an amount of time (10 minutes, 15, etc.) to sit cross-legged in front of each other. Then…
Match breathing patterns. Inhale and exhale in synch. Slow, deep breaths. Look into each other’s eyes.
Place one hand on each other’s chest. Continue matching breathing and eye gazing. Feel how her body organically moves as it takes in breath and releases. Feel her tense and relax.
Hug. Once you feel complete, move closer to hug her. Do nothing else. Just allow her to rest in your embrace while continuing to match her breathing pattern. Connect your chests. Feel her chest expand and contract. Close your eyes. When the time comes, separate, look into her eyes and thank her for being who she is.
A few minutes of this kind of connection will expand your romantic bond, would it not? Through the eyes and energy, you’ll see each other’s doors, rooms and keys.
P.S. – For more information about the power of eye contact, check out the world’s largest eye contact experiment here: http://www.eyecontactexperiment.com/.